im so totally fucked up... royally fucked up...

never ever done this shit  before

and

im enjoying it

eventhough im feeling guilty at the back of my mind

my bad self says 'fuck it and enjoy'

hehehehe.... :)

first dark entry....

this would my first post here... and everything that would be posted here in the future would most probably be dark and gloomy and sad... no you cannot find anything that is happy, joyful filled with sunshine and with the crappy stuff called love, no way it can be found here...








i cut myself again... oh the shame and the humiliation of it... i cant believe i actually thought that he would call me... what a fucking joke... i must be that much a loser after all... even a younger guy didnt want me... how painful can that be... now without alcohol i just cut myself, slicing the skin open to feel the sting of skin being sliced by the cold blade and the slight pain that comes from it... it feels so good... alcohol would have been better but this is a second choice if there isnt any alcohol... i feel so fucking humiliated and used like a common whore... i came so close to crying in class.... very close but luckily i had my pride to control it... i came back to my little room and picked up my blade and let it do its job... how to cover it the next day i dont know... i dont want people thinking im mental or something though i am mental... i am depressed....
i actually switched off my phone so i wont have to worry about receiving any calls or msgs... sitting in classes was bad enough as it is...


sometimes i just wish i can bleed out this sadness that consumes me everyday... cutting myself isnt enough.... unless it was a better blade but i have access to none.... i know this sounds sick but i actually enjoy seeing the scars on my arm... reminding me what a loser i am... of how im not like other normal girls... no im not;... im just a mental idiot who doesnt say the right things and cant even attract a guy to love her but to just use like a fuck toy and drop her like she meant nothing after all.... just a easy fuck... yes maybe that is what i am after all... an easy fuck since what i crave for is love and attention....